Tuesday Night in the Dirrrteh South

Last night I had a gritty Southern experience: Tuesday night at Roller World in Arlington. In the parking lot, I felt like Merry Jett.  When I walked in the door, I felt connected to the South, my accent started getting a little stronger, and I suddenly thought of myself as Merry Alyse (because true southerners need two names.)  But by the time I left Roller World, there was no Merry….I needed a ghetto nickname like Suga Smack, because I’m Zexy…

Ashley (to the left) invited me to come skate with the people she works with.  Many of these people are French, and I never knew this, but French people are fantastic roller skaters.  They can do skating moves, like one guy went through the other guy’s legs, without completely wiping out.  And they look fashionable.

However the African American crowd puts the French people to shame.  They don’t just skate, they roller dance.  I’m talking criss cross foot work, light up skates, upper body grooving, ass gyrating.  It’s amazing.  Now granted, most of the people there doing the fancy stuff where on a skating team and had matching t-shirts, but damn.

The gay midget also had moves you wouldn’t believe. The DJ dropped the beats and he was flying round the rink completely unaffected by the falling children bombs.  They fall in front of you like banana peels in Mario Cart.

These two, are also awesome on skates.  They worse speed skates, and I didn’t even know that they made more than one kind of roller skate.  Speed Skates!  Ashley has some cool legs moves, and Patrick went backwards.  Neither one fell.

And I didn’t fall either, but I needed assistance from the seating area to the rink.  I also could not put my arms down for very long without having balance issues.  And I could talk to Patrick on my right side, but not to Ashley on my left.  Looking to my left, made me almost fall every time.  I’m pretty sure my ass was stuck out in the air and I looked like the “special” skater.  This roller derby girl kept flying past me offering me advice like “do you want to know the secret?  You gotta push.”  Then skating away smirkily.  And I thought to myself if you have to offer skating advice at Roller World to feel good about yourself, you must have a really pathetic life when you leave Roller World and put on your Taco Bell uniform.

I think I need more Roller World in my life, because life makes more sense on skates.  And the disco lighting and rap music made me kind of high after awhile.  My brain had little lightning storms of inspiration.  I think traditional stationary yoga mediating may not be the secret to a clear mind.  After last night, I’m convinced that roller skating is like high powered mediation, easing anxiety one lap at a time, while giving you a toned booty.