There is only one Merry Alyse Jett

I would like to apologize to anyone I ever wronged, every bug I smushed, that physics test I cheated on in high school, and for any other selfish awful thing I’ve ever done.  If I do that, hopefully it will reset my karma and people will STOP stealing my social security number.  If you have placed a voodoo curse on me, please undo it!  If you have performed some kind of ceremonial black magic dance around a scary tree full of black cats, please let me know, so I can find some white magic wiccans to do the reverse the curse dance.  I realize identity theft happens all the time, but I think 8 or more times is too many, especially 4 times in the last two months.  Seriously, please!  Penelope, my niece, is channeling my emotions, with a face covered in M&Ms, crying out for an end to the thievery!

The first time my number was stolen I was around 6 years old.  Someone defaulted on a car loan in my name.  My dad called the you’ve been stolen hotline, and said “Merry is 6.”  So that was cleared up….or so we thought.  Then the day I graduated from high school I got my first debit card in the mail.  I was so excited and I stood there in my cap and gown and opened it and noticed that the picture on my debit card was a middle aged hispanic man.  I kept staring at it in confusion.  Why was my name on the card with this man’s picture?  Duhn duhn duhn.  Bank of America told me that it was a simple error (liars!), that it was all cleared up, and that my credit report was clean.  Okay, they didn’t lie about my credit report, but it was not taken care of.  I ordered a new debit card and their solution to the picture problem was to simply remove his picture and not put a picture on at all.  Fantastic.

So I went on my Merry way, until I got a call from a sheriff in North Carolina.  He informed me that a woman had been arrested for using my social security number to work in a panty hose and garment making factory.  Say what??  She also did not screw up my credit so I felt a bit of empathy.  I imagined her toiling away at a loom, pretending to be Merry Alyse Jett, with dreams and little mouths to feed.  I’ve read Barefoot Heart.  She just needed my social to work.  So frustrated, but not exasperated, I turned her into the FTC.

Now that I actually have excellent credit, I’m being stolen everyday.  If I were in a Dickens novel, I would have been mobbed by hundreds of tiny pick pockets. About 4 months ago,  I went to purchase a washer and dryer from Sears and found out that Fabian Islas had already opened a Sears card in my name.  So I went to Bank of America and it turns out Jose (the first guy), the woman, some guy named Marcus Gordilla, and Fabian Islas all have outstanding accounts with my social.  How does this not hurt my credit?  I get the report and all the stuff is me (student loans, student loans, student loans).  So I really cracked down this time.  I flagged my credit, and I called social security.  I also get to call the FTC and I talked to a delightful woman named Anne.  She assured me “Oh we will find them.  The problem before was nobody was looking for them.  But now Anne’s looking for them.”  Anne you are on my awesome list.

A month ago, I had a charge for $7.11 at waffle house in Georgia.  So I got a new credit card.  Then a few weeks later I somehow managed to have surgery in El Paso and open a Victoria’s Secret Card in New York.  I have this watch dog service now that alerts me of credit theft and so I called them.  They just say “Oh yes, that is on your credit.”  They don’t actually fix it.  To fix it you must file dispute forms with all 3 credit bureaus and then wait 30 days.  So I’m currently waiting on that.

Then last night I got a letter from UTA and apparently the Health Center server was hacked and 27,000 students had their prescription and personal information stolen.  And 2,048 lucky souls had their social stolen, and of course, I am one of them.  Statistically, this should not keep happening to me.  It’s not like I wear a sandwich board with my social on it or constantly email it to my friends.  I have Equifax and the FTC on my speed dial list.  That’s just wrong!  Last night I decided that if their really are 8 or more of me, than those people need to help a sister out.  Can you pay back some of  my $60,000 student loan debt?  I think that’s a fair deal.

So to anyone out there who wants to steal from me, watch out.  I have managed to protect my credit thus far.  Go ahead and try to be me.  I dare you.  But you will never be me because there is only one Merry Alyse Jett and it is NOT YOU.  Keep your guard up,  Anne’s coming for you.