The Jesus Tax

Grading took over my life for the past three weeks, and I neglected to write my blog.  I can only stare at the computer for so long!  I’m looking forward to a day when I can toss it over my balcony, although I’d probably go through withdrawal.

A few Sundays ago I went running in the park.  Dogs were out.  Children were playing.  And a cult was meeting. They claimed to be Church of Christ, but I think speed freak lunatics would be a more accurate group name.  I ran my first lap around the giant field area, and some men shouted at me from one side of the sidewalk.  I ignored them because my tunes were on and I was focused on my run.  On my second lap the shouting men stood right in front of me my blocking the path.  They had these dark blue buckets and told me I had to pay the Jesus Tax.  I didn’t say anything and I tried to run around them but they kept blocking my path.  Exasperated I took out my heaphones and told them to let me run past them.  But they ignored me and asked “Do you breathe God’s air?  Do you walk on God’s concrete?  Then you have to pay the Jesus tax.  We are tax collectors for Christ. There were no tax collectors in the Bible and we are hear to speak up for Jesus.”

Um what.  Yeah no tax collectors are in the Bible….except Matthew…or like all the other bazillion tax collectors.  There was a woman with two little dogs who said we should just pay them so they would go away, but I refuse to give my money to crazy people.  The other guy was a war vet (he was so old he could have fought in any war) and was missing an arm.  He had a bulldog and kept grumbling about where was God when he lost his arm in the war?  I really wanted to finish my run and I told them to get out of my way or I was going to call the police.  They continued to shout at me.  That’s when I remembered I had mace on my keychain.  Courtney it for me after I was robbed at UTA….and then almost robbed a second time.  Jerks took my winter coat when it was cold.  So as they start to close in around me, I’m planning on macing them and running to a place where I could call the cops.

Suddenly this giant screaming sweaty woman emerged from behind them.  She began to tell me I was the work of the devil.  That God could see how dark my heart was….etc….etc…And I was really starting to get nervous because she could have taken me.  She was large and high on Jesus…or something else.  So I pull out the mace and tell her I will mace you if you don’t back off.  That is when she reached for my iphone so I would give it up for Jesus.  And I maced her.

That’s right, I tried to spray her in the face.  Unfortunately, I missed and sprayed her arm, but she did recoil in pain because her arm was on fire.  She starts wailing and then I turn around and see a police officer walking towards us.  I thought, great, I am going to jail for attacking the “Christians.”  He stood there and asked what happened while the crazy people were all talking and shouting.  She said “She maced me because I was doing the work of the Lord.”  He looked at me and I said she was in my face and trying to steal my phone.  He said, “Okay you people need to go back to your area.  Please return to your area.”  And that was it.  I finished my run and thought well, that’s going on the blog.