Mystery Thong

femme fatale

I’ve done plenty of stupid things.  I’ve fallen up the stairs, down the stairs, into the stairs, around the stairs (I should just stay away from stairs) and then nervously giggled or denied that yes, that was blood running down my leg.  At the gym I hit my crotch on the pointy corner of the desk on a regular basis.  In fact, right after that the other morning I walked into a machine while I was talking to a client.  I think I need a suit made of bubble wrap because I am hazard.

I also lose everything.  I like to pack my car to go on a trip and then throw my keys in the trunk and close it.  Every. time.  This is assuming I can find my keys.  I wish they would call out after me “Merry!  Don’t leave us!”  My keys are currently missing somewhere in my apartment.  I know they have to be here because the door didn’t just open magically, unless I left it unlocked….I really have checked everywhere.  So I’m down to all my spare keys and had to beg my apartment office to please not charge me for a new mail key.

I’ve also had clothing disasters.  My belt unzipped my favorite pair of jeans in 9th grade, but, I had grown 5 inches in a year, so while that was inconvenient, it wasn’t exactly a disaster.  Once I walked around my high school for an entire day with one layer of my skirt hitched up so that the world could see my underpants.  Why no one told me I have no idea.  But amazingly, no one openly mocked me like they do in movies.

I’d like to think skirt malfunctions were just a teenage problem, but at UTA, I wore this stiff plaid Dickies skirt that the wind blew up and it stayed vertical.  This girl was like !!!  I had an arm full of library books so I had to think for a minute, do I throw the books in that dirt puddle or do I just keep walking?  Unfortunately, I continued to walk while I thought about it this choice.

And a year ago at a conference I almost presented a paper with my dress tucked into my panty hose.  Thank you girl who told me before I showed a bunch of historians my naked bottom.

However, this morning at the gym I realized that there is something embarrassing that I have never done before.  At about 5:30am, I stumbled over to the water fountain to fill up my water bottle and as I looked up and saw SOMEONE’S THONG WAS ON THE TOP OF THE WATER FOUNTAIN.  Now how does this happen?  The most logical thing I could think of was someone rummaging in a gym bag for their water bottle and pulling stuff out and accidently leaving panties.  Sadly, that is the most reasonable thing I can think of.  Listening to stories about someone using the shower as their bathroom and weights just appearing in the men’s bathroom surprised me, but this is more mysterious.  Where are you thong dropper?  Are you the man in the ice dancing pants with fur cuffs?  Was it you onion smell guy?  Or was it the girl with the vajazzled crotch?  And in case you missed vajazzeling….

Vajazzeling