My name is Officer Stupid

Tightrope (Feat. Big Boi)

About a week ago I told my Dad I had nothing to write about for my blog, because everything going on was pretty boring.  He suggested I write about how mundane my life was (wake up, workout, grade online things, thesis, tv, sleep).  So the next day I got in the car, and I was thinking about how to write this “mundane blog.” While I was musing about how to be clever and witty, a construction worker appeared in the middle of the street.  Seriously.  It was like he flew to the curb.  He started yelling and waving a stop sign at the three lanes of traffic going 55mph.  All three lanes of traffic slammed on their brakes, and I stopped, but the gentleman behind me did not.  WAM!  There goes mundane.  Thanks world.

I got out of the car and it was so sad.  My trunk was crunched up and my poor little bumper was barely on the car.  I’ve never been hit before, so I wasn’t exactly sure what to do.  I was relieved when I saw the cop because surely he would help us through this process.  WRONG!  He waddled up to me and the man who hit me and said “Hello folks, how we doing today?”  Both of us just looked at him.  He cleared his throat and said “Well what are we going to do here?”  That’s like the doctor sitting down next to you and saying “so what do you have?”  The man (who was super nice by the way. Thank you man for having insurance and being a decent human being) explained that we were going to exchange information.  So he started writing, and the cop is piddled around.  The cop came back over and said “Are you two comfortable with each other?”  I just had this confused look on my face and the guy said “Yeah, I’m sure she is comfortable standing in the middle of the road with some strange man that ran into her.”  I laughed, but officer stupid didn’t seem to understand what was going on.  As I look back on it, I think that he was most likely an escaped mental patient that lives in the garbage dump on 157.

My vehicle was able to drive away from the accident.  I figured if the bumper fell off I’d just try to pick it up and wedge it into the back seat of my car.  I got a bookcase in there, surely I can fit a bumper?  As I drove my car to the shop, lovely Arlingtonites decided to shout lewd and vulgar things at me.  ”Bitch yo bumper is hangin off yo car!”  And other things like that.   Is that really necessary?  Clearly I am aware of the damage to my little Nissan, thanks for shouting at me jerkholes.

The car guy at the shop was really funny.  I think that I meet the best people when I have car drama.  I’ve got a special place in my heart for the toothless tow truck driver that let me bring my cat into Denny’s.  This new guy was no where near as cool as my favorite tow truck driver, but the whole time he circled my car he talked to me about kittens.  A cat had kittens in their wall and when the wall started to meow, customers got uncomfortable.  So he got in there with gloves and pulled out the kittens and took them home to his daughters.  Then these kittens had kittens and somehow some kittens flew in from outer space, and suddenly he has 30 cats in his backyard.  Slutty cats.  I was nodding as he talked to me, and I zoned off when he started to tell me the names of all the cats….marshmallow, midnight, sandy….

At the request of my parents, I made an appointment to have my back looked at to make sure everything was ok.  UT Arlington’s health center doesn’t take car crash patients.  I guess they only treat herpes and the flu.  So I went to Park Row Medical Clinic.  While the doctor was a nice woman, I got the feeling that this was the kind of place where they accidently infect you with a rare blood disease and then give you the wrong medicine to treat it.  Mostly I just waited….and waited…I read through all the brochures in the room about constipation, kidney failure and IBS.  Then I flipped through the body book and came across the sassiest homosexual muscle man.  Oh to think of how he danced when he had skin! Then it had been an hour.  Finally this nurse took me to get some X-rays.  She had a book and she would look at the book and then have me look at the book.  Then she would say “ok get in that position, okay?”  And yes, she did pose it as a question.  Like I would say “No!  I will not you smarmy harpie!”  So I laid there….for 2 hours.  And we got 3 useable Xrays.  At least there was a pillow.  Thank goodness I wasn’t acutally broken or I would have been out of luck.

So as it turns out, I’m fine.  The car is getting fixed.  Crisis averted.  I was relieved but as I passed this little concrete monster in the UTA parking garage, I wondered if I was losing my my crazy magnet …but then the universe threw me a waitress who had a giant bleeding cut on her arm that she didn’t have time to fix.  She came up with some of the recipes on the Chuy’s menu.  And I’m guessing also invented water, Santa, and toenails.  (Big sigh of relief)  I realized I had been inside my apartment and really the crazy is still out there just waiting for me to find it.  Now the sooner I can finish all this writing and grading business, the sooner I can go back to attracting lunatics.   Maybe tomorrow I’ll write about the sexiest place on earth:  Turkey farms.