Mary’s Outpost

04 Have Love Will Travel

Ashley Jameson is now a college graduate (round of applause)!   To celebrate all her hard work, she invited me out with her friends to a karaoke bar in Grand Prairie called Mary’s Outpost. I dressed up in my disco ball dress and I was ready to sing.  I almost didn’t make it to this little hole in the wall establishment because Arlington hates me.  I exited Division, the classiest street in Arlington, and there was an overturned semi and construction.  So after driving down what I hope was the right side of the road, I finally found Great Southwest Parkway and was about to turn right when I realized there was a train parked on the tracks with no intention of moving.  I love it when people get angry at the train.  Like some people honk at it and others stop for a second then drive off really quickly almost causing an accident to show the train whose boss.  I just yelled “Stupid train!”  and had Ashley’s boyfriend give me an alternate directions.

Mary’s Outpost was everything I hoped for and more.  Everyone was friendly. And the crowd was the epitome of class–some were missing their front teeth, a few decided to Valley Forge it and go shoeless, there were pleather stretch pants, and faces with so much makeup that you could scrape it off with a garden hoe.  It was a paradise of awesomeness.

As you can see I was having delightful time with Ashley’s friends.  Ashley’s friend was trying to get us to make sexy faces, and I think I failed on that on.  She was getting her Rawr on, but I just look like a praying mantas ready to eat her mate.

Then there was singing.  Ashley’s boyfriend and his friend sang total eclipse of the heart, which was awesome.  

Ashley and I sang Don’t you want somebody to love, and we were awesome, except I didn’t really know the versus. The funny part about picking songs to sing is you always think you know the song and then you realize wait I know the chorus of this song, and it has versus you didn’t even know about.

So you shout it out while the drunk people are looking around for someone to go home with, which at last call I was surprised how many ugly people were hooking up.  I guess that shouldn’t surprise me.

Then there were the other people that sang.

1.  A 65+ woman with red poofy hair who rocked Come Together and reminded me of a cross between Carol Channing and Shirley Bassey.  She even Cawed like a bird, or as Patirck’s friend said “Like Satan’s tetradactyl.”  Lady you are awesome.

2.  The guy who sang Devil went down to Georgia and played air guitar, when it was really a fiddle, and he played it too low.  This is probably because he only plays guitair on guitar hero, but it looked like he was playing his penis.

3.  The older man who looked like a strip club owner, sang Mony Mony facing the wall instead of the audience and did some kind of thrusting dance.  He also made up all the words and just sang whatever was passing through his mind.  At one point he said “Obama’s healthcare, c’mon.  Yeayuh.”

4.  It seemed like 70 people sang slow awful country songs and redneck woman played twice

5.  Perhaps the one of the most awesome was when Patrick sang Strokin which inspired the drunks to dance.  I had never heard this song before, but it has power over people.  It brought these two love birds together.  They were really into the song.

And Patrick sang Summer Night with me and ate my hair.   I’ll be back Mary’s Outpost.  You have wooed me.  Thank you for graduating Ashley!