Feeling down? Like someone stabbed out your eye and spit into your empty socket? Do you find yourself falling asleep on your floor in a puddle of tears with snot smeared down your face? Broke, alone, homeless, sick? Some doctors might suggest antidepressants, exercise, or more vitamin D. But what does Real Simple magazine suggest? Just get a quick shot of Botox to lift your spirits. Yeah, I’m serious. October issue page 142. List of things to do: 1) Try to commit suicide, 2) Get ride of those nasty frown lines! What will people think when they see you at the funeral! Oh heavens! Because as we all know “Depression doesn’t show up only in your demeanor–it may also show up on your face. Over time a frown (ironically, just like a smile or a squint) can become permanently etched into your skin.” So when you are sleeping 18 hours a day and forgetting to bathe, you can remember that smiling, frowning, and squinting trying to find your glasses first thing in the morning will make you look wrinkled like a hooker at a redneck truck stop. The chemical imbalance in your brain is not only preventing you from functioning like a normal person, but now you also look like the Huntchback of Notre Dame. Don’t you just feel all better knowing that you depressed, wrinkly freak?
Real Simple, please just stick to telling me all the useful things I can do with old string and Q-tips and steer clear of the medical advice. If getting Botox clears up your depression, I think you were not really depressed. You were bored and sad that you don’t look like air brushed celebrities. But you weren’t depressed. If all you have to worry about are your frown lines, I think you need a hobby. Arts and crafts? I’m sure at knitting class no one will shame you for using your face to express emotions.
Perhaps instead of shooting up poison into your face you should consider getting a kitten. The passed out little guy on the left showed up on my doorstep and he was cheaper than Botox. Let’s compare,
Kittens are cuddly, playful, curious, warm and love you.
Botox only lasts a short period of time, paralyzes your face with poison and does not snuggle under your covers.
I’m sighing at you Real Simple. It’s a pretty big one so I hope you can hear it.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
WOW! RealSimple that is a big NO! And a YES! for kittens! I really like your blog MJ!
I wrote a very angry response about this last night, but decided not to post it. I will admit a lot of the anger I felt was due to the absurdity of the idea that botox could help solve depression. I’m sure that the anti-depressants they gave to my terminally ill father are useless without the feeling of having a face full of neurotoxic proteins produced by a bacteria…
sorry I’ll get off my soap box.