I added some easy points to the my students’ final exam by asking them questions like who would you go back in time to meet and what surprised you the most?  I’m going to share some of their answers.  I wish I would have copied all of them, but I didn’t think about it until I was almost through grading.  Sometimes I wonder why I don’t write as much, or read, or play the keyboard, and now I realize it is because I am always working on teaching stuff.

So….

Who do they want to meet?

If I could go back in time and meet anyone I would meet Alice Paul. I would meet her because she was such a determined, confident, and strong woman who made a huge impact on history. She is an inspiration because she never gave up on her goal and she never listened to what people said about her.

I would meet Lyndon B. Johnson. He seemed like an interesting and funny character from what I heard. How he treated the Kennedy administration so awkwardly is kind of interesting and I would’ve loved to see that.

If I could go back in time and meet anyone that we talked about I would want to meet Rosa Parks because I would want to interview her about the civil rights movement, specifically the bus incident. Throughout my academic career, I always thought that she solely took the initiative to sit in the front of the bus. So after finding out that this was part of a plan, I would want to ask her more about how she felt about being the “bait” to the plan.

I would go back in time to meet each and every single assassin who assassinated America’s righteous leaders. First, I would ask them why. Then perhaps talk some sense into them and if they won’t cooperate. I would blast them with my morph gun and turn their cowardly hides into chickens!!!

If I could go back in time and meet anyone we talked about (excluding the obvious answer of meeting Hitler to then shoot him in the face), I would want to meet President Roosevelt.

I’d definitely meet Malcom X. The man was smart, but also a bit crazy, so I’d love to just sit and try to understand him better. It would be so amazing to try and make sense of everything that happened to him from the beginning of his life to the very end.

I would probably meet Eisenhower. I just wondered why so many people like him. I also would like to see what type of a person he was.

I would love to meet hippies!!! I love how they had a voice and protested the government. I know we didn’t really talk about them but I really like how they didn’t care to say what they felt and the best part was that they were peaceful. If I would go back I would love to be part of Woodstock.

I would want to meet Joseph McCarthy. Not because I liked the guy, but honestly hearing about all the stupid stuff he did, I’d really want to have an argument with him. I usually do not prefer conflict but in a theoretical case like this, I think it would be fun, entertaining, and interesting to get into a somewhat logical argument with McCarthy. Well, it would be logical on my side.

I would definitely go back and meet Malcolm X, just because he seems like a really cool guy and I would like to discuss his ideas on civil rights. Another person I think would be awesome to talk to would be Richard Nixon so I could kick him in the balls.

I would want to meet David Stephenson, the founder of the KKK. I would then attempt to do whatever I could to prevent him from starting the KKK. He really needed to chill out. Although racisms would have been rampant with or without the clan, the KKK was still very detrimental to our society.

I would go back and meet Martin Luther King Jr.    (that is purple because it was plagiarized says safeassign.  That just means a lot of them wrote this.)  He was a very devout Christian and I respect him that. I would want to go back and ask him what are his thoughts on same sex marriage as well as embryonic stem cell research.

My dad’s great grandma who was in the Salem witch trials, she was blamed for being a witch and was burned on a tree. I would find her and be like, ‘you girl you is about to be accused of being a witch, so you best scat and get outtalk here before shit goes down yak hear.’ But someone we went over, I would meet Hitler, and hire someone to kill him.

Andrew Jackson was a badass, so I’d probably choose him. While he was probably insane, that is some of his allure. I would like to hear him go on about his unconventional ideals, and then challenge him to a duel.

I would have loved to meet LBJ, since he was from Texas and he made so many differences in America. Every time I watch PBS with my little cousin, I think about LBJ’s efforts care for children. I also always drive on 635 LBJ which makes him pop into my mind.

What are their other thoughts about the class?

The most important data that I learned is to never stop learning. You have taught me that things need to be looked into more depth that what is just given on the surface. I loved how you made us question the situations that were going on, and it was not just a history class. I learned where I stood on the lines of an American citizen, and I will make sure to exercise every one of them as soon as I turn eighteen.

Professor Jett, you were an incredible teacher. From the class I learned that it is important to make decisions for yourself, and to think critically, logically, and fairly. It is very easy to be on the wrong side of history because you were too scared to stand up for what you knew was right. From you I learned to do something I have a passion for. Your love of history shines through, and it is obvious to all in class that you really have such a passion for what you do. You made year fun, informative, and interesting. You were able to mix the seriousness of nuclear war with lighthearted cultural phenomenon, and still get the gravity of the importance of humanity across without emotionally scarring anyone.

What surprised me most in class was that I actually understood most of what you were talking about when I decided to pay attention. History is my worst subject but being in your class really seemed to help me out. Thank you.

I learned a lot in this class and even though most of the history United States was shocking the one thing that really surprised me is that for once I actually liked History. I never like History class, I go to go and maybe get an A but I have never been interested to the point of trying to ask so many questions and really getting to learn about them. After we learned about the KKK I went to the library to rent a book about the whole organization because it really caught my interest. The way you taught this class really helped me be interested in our American History. Thank you.

The most important lesson I think you have installed in the class has to be the moral values. The questions that asked will you use medical research from the holocaust, or why did it seem like a good idea to bomb Japan. It wasn’t just learning history it was about really understanding it and breaking it down. To recognize the ridiculousness of some choices and to realize if we ever have to be faced with such situations we should make better decisions.

Always, ALWAYS think for yourself. Don’t just accept whatever is being handed to you by government propoganda.  Because so many huge disasters and wars could have been avoided if the American people had stopped to think. Lives and careers would have been saved, wars would have never occurred, and so many things would be different if people would have used their brains instead of following the leader. This was by FAR my favorite class all semester. You made history funny, entertaining, and interesting. I learned things I didn’t know before and saw things I did from a different perspective. Thanks for all your hard work. God bless.

I will remember to always stick up for what I believe in. I learned this through the many discussions we had in class. It is important to determine your own personal moral values and stick to them when times get tough. I think that our discussions questioning if what America did was too far, permissible, or even necessary taught me that.

I think that the most important lesson I will take away from this class is to never underestimate someone. Hitler, for example, was a vegetarian and a war hero; whereas Winston Churchill was kicked out of office twice and drank a lot of whiskey. On paper, one is clearly the better candidate, but then you look at their lives and what they accomplished when put in positions of power and it’s obvious that Churchill was the better man. This was not something that we talked about specifically in class, but I was inspired to continue researching influential people during WWII from our class discussions.

What surprised me the most coming out of this class is how much of the information I remember. Usually, I forget the majority of the information I learn in my history classes. I think watching the videos after talking about the lessons helped me remember what we learned easier. I enjoyed watching the videos and they definitely helped me remember most of the information for tests.

Something I learned in this class that I will always remember is the way people were treated throughout history. For example, when people were put through harsh tests and treatments just because of the ignorance of the scientists. I found this extremely cruel and unjust. I will always remember those images presented in the video and how miserable those people looked.

Well in order to get your voice heard you have to do something about it. You can just sit back and relax and watch a problem fix it. So when I see something wrong I want to try and fix it so it won’t happen again.

That annoying kid with the glasses, it surprised me that he had some of the same wolf shirts as me. They look cooler on me, and the fact that you could be such an ass to such a BA teacher!

I really enjoyed this class, I love Ms Jett’s teaching style and I really learned a lot. You know I learned a lot…do I really have to answer this? You’re class was awesome so that’s my answer.

I was surprised that American soldiers didn’t know about concentration camps. I did not know that before this semester. The other thing that surprised me was how well I was able to pay attention in your class and remember all the information. Usually I fall asleep in all my history classes because of how boring they are but you were able to make this class fun with your humors jokes and enthusiasm about history.

The most important information that I learned in this class that I will remember when I leave is that people will lose their humanity to be remembered. Those crazy scientists from WWII did anything to people just so they could make breakthroughs in the medical field and be remembered. That and many other things will probably stick with me as I move forward.

How I actually learned a lot. The class was very helpful and the lectures were very easy to understand. Last semester History was a bit “boring” but honestly, this semester, I was surprised at how I was actually interested in the lectures. Thank you Professor Jett!

I learned to listen. ..to appreciate history. To hear the stories of the past that got us to where we are today. That you really can make “history.” I wish I could have lived in the time of the 1920s and 50s. Back then, it seemed like everyone was on a mission and had a goal to change something for the better. Like there was a point of living. Everyone was involved. But now, it is definitely not like that. Or maybe it is and I don’t see it? It’s just that back then the youth were actually involved with the government and “making the world a better place.” I hate that I don’t see any more of that nowadays. But YOLO right?  PS: Do you teach government? I would love to take another class with you. Have a great summer PROFESSOR JETT!

The one thing that surprised me most in class was that the lectures were so intriguing; I got a new perspective of history from being in Professor Jett’s class. I was really surprised to find out how much women were mistreated during the period when they fought in the suffrage movement.

The most important lesson I learned in this class is to be curious, and not only to be curious but to fulfill my curiosity by going out and doing research on topics that may confuse or interest me because curiosity leads to answers and even life changing events. I believe the most important information I have learned is about how women’s roles have changed significantly over time. I am thankful for all the hardships women faced in the past and I believe, as a woman, I should stand proud for who I am.

I think a really cool lesson I learned from this class was go out into the world and make informed decisions, and always question everything! No being sheep for me please. And I’ll remember this because I feel like what is the point of wasting life following others, the real fun comes from not knowing and doing your own thing.

The teaching style! I loved this class because I actually thought the teaching style was very cool! I love watching videos and learning about stuff that I can relate to. Professor Jett, you made class very interesting with your dancing and funny comments, honestly, you are one of the best teachers I have ever had!

I think the most important idea I have learned in this class is to always be myself. Learning about the past has shown me that when people try to create a perfect everything, it doesn’t always work out very well. People like Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and even Elvis were all being themselves, and they managed to impact the world tremendously.

Dear Professor Jett,

I really honestly loved your class! I think you are a great teacher and I learned so much from your lectures. I also really love your outfits and hair! Thanks for a wonderful year and I hope you have a great summer!

The most important lesson I learned from class is to never join the army or trust the government. I’ve never really wanted to join the army, but I always thought they were doing something good for themselves. As I found out in class, the army is treated like lab rats and is thought to be highly exposable.

Learning about the 1950’s era had to be my favorite topic we covered this semester. I found it interesting because I liked learning how people at that time lived and compare it to how we live today. For example, at the time self-identity and being different was looked down upon. I find this ironic because nowadays you are looked down on if you seem to be acting like someone else; you are called a “copy cat” and frowned upon. Whereas, during the 1950’s you had to conform and act like everyone else in order to be socially accepted.

Thank you, Professor Jett, for an awesome semester of history. You’re a great teacher and I am certain you made history a lot more enjoyable to learn with your quirky humor. I already love history and you only made it better. Also when you’re presenting a topic, I enjoy the fact that you’re not biased about that subject which I think is awesome.

I was surprised at how entertaining this class was because all of my past history teachers only talked about history, did not tie it into different present day events, and did not really involve the students much. Although I do not talk much I learn a lot from other classmates talking and not just a teacher lecturing over material. Plain lecturing also gets boring after a while.

The most important information I have obtained from this class is the information about what led the U.S into the wars and depression. I find this very important because the more we pay attention to the current government and economy and keep in mind the history of the U.S and what was successful and not successful we can try to prevent bad things happening to the country and its economy.

That history repeats itself. In almost every class I wanted to bust out “That’s just like what Bush/Obama/ did are doing right now!” because every situation we have at home and abroad has been dealt with before in our history, yet out present leaders act in complete ignorance to the lessons of history. If ever I become involved in politics I will consult the great pages of the past to guide me, not the promises of gifts from a lobbyist or foreign diplomat.

What surprised me the most in class was how music affected people during times of desperation. How we retreated to movies and entertainment such as sports to get away from the more serious things that are going along at the time.

The most important lesson I probably learned is the fact that with every actions there is a directly proportional or even worse consequence that was not seen before. Such as the research of eugenics or the scientific advances or the Nazis in Germany.

The topic of eugenics surprised me the most because it raised my awareness of how important it is to be a critical thinker. I couldn’t believe that eugenics existed in America, and that “scientific research” made this unethical movement more acceptable to society.

The most important thing that I learned from this class is to follow your instincts. By learning about the multiple times society just went along with what authorities told them was true, I have learned to raise my awareness of such questionable times and research the topic myself so that I can make my own conclusion.

I was surprised to have such a very cool teacher who took such a serious and possibly boring course and taught it with a balanced dosage of quirkiness and maturity. Woohoo, plus ten for brown nosing. Yeah? No? Enough said.

I honestly do not think that there’s a “most” important lesson for me to learn, because everything that I have learned from the hardships in America’s settlement, the slavery in the 19th century, America’s ups and downs with the reconstruction and the great depression, the vast amount of lessons learned and to be learned from WWII, the conformity and racial oppression of the 1950s, up to America’s embarrassing loss in Vietnam; all were linked to be the outcomes of the of the human psyche. Human behavior had always been a fascinating subject for me, so all of the lessons in class are all important to me. This answer is a bit of a letdown, but the best I can say is that, I’d be damned if one day I forget what I learned from American history.

What surprised me was the overall racism of the south during the period of African Americans seeking integration and equal rights. If shocked me that people had post cards of hanging as a sense of pride and accomplishment to kill blacks. Also how the state and local police did nothing to stop violence towards blacks and had somewhat of an alliance with the KKK, and it had to take the federal government to send troops to protect this non violent protester. Just all of the hate in these peoples heart just made me think of what would cause them to kill people who did nothing to them and how strong the white and black protesters were not to fight back to show people they were the civil people who deserve to be treated like everyone else.

One of the main things I took from this class is that there is always more to stories then you think and you must sometimes dig to find out all the facts about many things. Also that the public is only given things they want to hear or what the government feels they can handle. But the most important is not to listen to everything the government tells you, think as an individual. Things like us going against communist nation and the government giving us standards on how to live just made me ponder on the idea of them becoming to strong and made me appreciate those who stood up and rebelled to show themselves as individual people.

What surprised me the most in this class was honestly how well I performed in the class. I usually make good grades, but I have always struggled with History. I do not really know why, but it is not my strongest class to say the least. I really do think it was your teaching skills as well as your well-organized power points that really helped do well in this class.

I think the most important thing that I will remember is how some of the medical information that we use today was gained. I did not know that the Nazis had performed those horrible experiments on the Jews that have led to medical breakthroughs. I plan to become a dermatologist, so I find this to be important to me.

What surprised me the most about the class was how you, Professor Jett, were able to keep most of the class involved. History is very interesting to me so it is very easy to keep my attention in it. But I know for some people, they do not have any interest at all about history, but it seemed to me as if you were able to keep most of the class involved.

The most important lesson I learned was about Vietnam and how the government sometimes forgot the soldiers. I guess I do not understand how the government could place their soldiers in such danger.

I think the idea that I will forever remember from your class was that we should think for ourselves and make our own decisions. You were an amazing teacher and knew your history well, but what made you an excellent and exemplary teacher was the fact that you applied and tied history to our reality today. You asked us questions that were thought provoking and that made us draw our own lines between right and wrong and formulate our own opinions and decisions. There’s the saying that “those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it,” but I think that learning history is not enough. If you really do not want to repeat history we have to learn it and apply it, something you forced us to do. I loved your class for both semesters and I really and truly learned A LOT! But, one thing that I will keep with me from this class was understanding history, not just learning it but applying it and figuring out my own “view” of it. I think that I will never look at history the same way. And I definitely know that my intellectual, philosophical, critical thinking skills have improved thanks to your superb teaching and intriguing, not “easy, textbook answer” questions. Thank you so much for another grand semester!

The most important lesson I learned from class is to never join the army or trust the government. I’ve never really wanted to join the army, but I always thought they were doing something good for themselves. As I found out in class, the army is treated like lab rats and is thought to be highly exposable.

I was surprised that America was so selfish. When we learned about how we kicked the people off of the bikini island and we didn’t take care of them. We gave them a couple weeks’ worth of supplies and then left them alone. Then we went and contaminated the fish and let Americans eat them saying that it wouldn’t hurt them. All of this so we could test out a bomb.

How much more simple taking notes was, because you put all your power points online. I am ADD/ADHD so taking a lot of notes is hard. I appreciate it when there are only a few things I have to take note of

The role each of the presidents had on society, because they are our leaders and knowing how each one functioned and the similarities would be interesting. If you looked at how each one acted and how they did and compared them, you could have interesting results.

Professor Jett, you were an incredible teacher. From the class I learned that it is important to make decisions for yourself, and to think critically, logically, and fairly. It is very easy to be on the wrong side of history because you were too scared to stand up for what you knew was right. From you I learned to do something I have a passion for. Your love of history shines through, and it is obvious to all in class that you really have such a passion for what you do. You made year fun, informative, and interesting. You were able to mix the seriousness of nuclear war with lighthearted cultural phenomenon, and still get the gravity of the importance of humanity across without emotionally scarring anyone.

What surprised me the most in class was how music affected people during times of desperation. How we retreated to movies and entertainment such as sports to get away from the more serious things that are going along at the time.

Thanks students!  Some of that stuff I was trying to sneak into your brains when you weren’t looking but you really surprised me with some of the insightful/nice things you said.  If I could legally hug you all, I would.  <3 Professor Jett

Recently, I’ve been doing everything I could think of to end my Dr. House-like back pain.  While waiting for some insurance to kick in, I decided to get a medical massage.  I figured if she jacked up my back more I would just take myself to the emergency room and lay there pathetically.  The first experience I had was great!  It was like she performed some kind of magic (painful at the time) that made me able to straighten up and walk without feeling pain through my hip and legs.  The rest of the week it would bother me but it was much more manageable and I could at least lay down and not feel like I was going to stab someone.  I was scheduled for one more back session and so I went happily expecting the same results.

Well…the massage was still top notch but the conversion during massage number 2 was far weirder than during massage number 1.  As she started to rub me, she said “Did you know I have the secret to all religions?”  I thought uh oh.  But because she had ended my pain I was willing to humor her.  She continued “The secret to healing pain is a religious mystery that is a mixture of Voodoo, Christianity, Buddhism  and Wiccan.”  As I’m thinking but isn’t Voodoo already mixed with elements of Christianity she said “Let’s try something.”  Okay….

Lady:  Imagine you are someplace nice like the beach.  Where are you?

Me:  The beach…

Lady:  Now imagine the sun has healing rays (not scary).  Let the rays shine down on you.  Now bring out your child self (a little scarier).  Talk to you child self. (scared feeling building).  Pull something out of your child self.  What did you pull out?  (now scared about where this going)  What did you pull out?

Me:  uh a sheep

Lady:  Oh that is very bad. (it is?) A sheep means you feel unsupported by the people in your life.

Me:  I don’t really feel that way.  My people are pretty supportive?

Lady: Shine the healing light on the sheep.  What color is it turning?

Me:  (searching for a color) White?

Lady:  Oh that is very bad.  That is the color of disassociative identity disorder (damn why didn’t I pick another color)  We have to go younger to find out when your tree of life was cracked.  This is when your body stored up the pain it is now releasing.  (keep in mind I’m naked)  Talk to younger Merry.  Give her the sheep.  Now imagine Zeus is there (WHAT!?) What is Zeus doing the sheep?

Me:  (long pause, so long she asked me twice)  Throwing it?

Lady:  Did your father molest you?

Me:  What?!  No…

Lady:  You won’t remember because you were so young.

Me:  My dad won’t even kiss me on the mouth…

Lady:  With more practice you can access these memories….

Now at this point I wanted to run away, but I’m laying there naked trying to think of ways to end the conversation politely.  I said “well that was interesting.” Then I laughed uncomfortably.

I haven’t been back although I am curious what Zeus is up to in my subconscious.  A cheaper alternative to religious mystery massage is hot yoga.  Since Ashley suggested it, I have been going religiously and it is really helping…and no one asks me any questions about Zeus or my history of molestation.  Each time I attend one of the classes, I’m impressed by the old people who are the fittest people I have ever seen.  If they look like that, maybe I will too, if I stay with it.  Until then in the 98.6 room, I will continue to turn into a grunting sweatball and every muscle in my body will be shaking.  If I feel like I’m dying, then it is working.

Besides all the back stuff, it also helps me relax.  For the most part, the yogis are pretty peaceful and concentrating as they turn upside down and inside out…except for the students trying to win yoga.  They come in with this serious face.  And they examine themselves in the mirror like they are about to be on the cover of Vogue.  They make sure to stretch in crazy ways at the beginning of class and look around to see who is looking at them.  (It is usually me)  And then these yogachievers go ahead of the teacher and do most postures with this bored look on their face.  I want to ask them, why are you so angry at yoga?  And if you are this crazed here, what are you like the rest of the time?

I’m going to keep going to yoga until I can bend like the elderly people.  I remind myself that each class I go to is a day that keeps the guided visualization away…

I decided to get an oil change at Kwik Kar after class and it was a pretty standard experience.  The nice car boys looked horrified by the inside of my vehicle and moved the cat treats and Kleenexes so they could vacuum the front seats (that’s pretty routine).  Then they explained that I needed fluids flushed, which I am trained to be skeptical about.  And when on of them said “You don’t have to get this, but your fluids are black…see?” I leaned in to see the evil looking black brake goo and that’s when my back said no.

As l leaned into the car my leg gave away and I fell right into the internal guts of the car.  Mr. Kwik Kar was quick and caught me before I got a face full of hot brake fluid.  He looked so alarmed and I told him I my back was not working these days.   And he nodded and said “I understand, my grandma falls into stuff all the time.”  Merry dies.

So this grandma goes back inside to wait for the flushing to be completed and I sat down next to this woman in snazzy sandals.  She was looking at me like with this disgusted look on her face and I thought oh man, please don’t like me have some kind of horrible car slime on my face.  I was trying to think of a subtle way to check this but then she whips out this planner and started violently flipping through it.  I look over at it and it is color coded and has stickers in it that they “Great Job!”  next to things she has completed.  I’m thinking you must be an elementary school teacher.  Then she says “This is private!”  And she gets up and moves across the room glaring at me.  I was going to apologize but then I started coughing uncontrollably and I she looked even more disturbed.

For someone with a notebook of private information, she started making very public phone calls.  She sounded like Lindsay Nagel from The Simpsons.  Ahem..”Hi ReRe, this is Alexis.  You are on my list of errands today so I thought I would see how my fabulous woman of the year is.”  Everyone was looking at her because she was really loud and performancey sounding.  Then she said “ReRe, have you ever felt like people just do not respect your personal space?  I am at Kwik Kar and this woman is obsessed with me.”  I realize that she is talking about me.  The big motorcycle guy across the room started laughing.  She continued “Maybe she is jealous that I know how to dress myself….ReRe she is wearing running shoes with a nice outfit.”  She is staring directly at me.  Now she was right, I was wearing running shoes and a nice outfit, but that is because my spine is exploding.  I wished there was a way that I could make my spine explode out of my back into a bloody mess all over her outfit but I just continued to stare back at her.

After ReRe, she called Misty, Amber, Janelle, and Jessica and each of these woman heard about the obsessed running shoe wearing woman who violently assaulted her personal freedom at Kwik Kar.

She left after awhile, and this young girl came in and sat next to me.  She said “Do you know what synthetic oil is?” And I gave her my best answer and she looked worried and said “My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m getting him an oil change.  I thought I’d surprise him!”  I smiled and was like that’s thoughtful.  And she turns to me and with this sincere face says “He thinks I’m useless because I’m so pretty, but I can do things.  Today I took his car and I got frozen yogurt and I found the mall by myself.”  I’m trying to nod because she looks like she is about to burst into tears.  The Kwik Kar guy comes in and says “The BMW has a nail in the front left tire.  Did you know that?”  The girl next to me loses it and starts boohooing into her little cup from yumilicious.  I decided to pat her and she says “Will he know it was me?”  I was like well, yeah…it’s probably best to admit that.  Your other choice is to say pirates stole the car.  She seemed to be considering that so I said “Just be honest.”

So she called him and this was her honest account of what happened “Hey baby, I took your car to surprise you with an oil chance  and the guy at Kwik Kar shoved a nail in your tire.”  The motorcycle guy said “What about the pirates?”  She then cries on the phone to him until it was time for me to take the merry mobile home.

Thank you Danny for putting my blog back up.  Good things will come your way.

It’s been quite awhile since I wrote down my funny adventures but that’s because things stopped being funny.  I started working 5 jobs and never sleeping and no one really wants to hear about that.  Sure, I did meet a student who explained to that her adulterous step mother had to sit on a chicken until it died so she could absorb it’s spirit and be welcomed back into her family, but that didn’t feel blog worthy.  However, PrimaCare is worth a post.

My constant work schedule has finally started to physically kill me and so I told my broken self to PrimaCare.  I get there and it seems normal but then, a woman ran in from the parking lot.  She was trying to sign in and seemed to be having some kind of trouble, but her back was to me and I couldn’t tell what was wrong with her.  Then I heard the nurse gasp and I saw this poor woman had a bleeding eye socket that DID NOT HAVE AN EYEBALL in it.  She seemed delirious, which I am sure was good because I do not want to be even a little conscious if something rips out my eyeball.  So they tell her to sit down and they will be right with her.  She just stands there mumbling and then a nurse comes out to get her.  Well the Victoria Secret sweatpants girl begins to throw a fit that she was here first and that that woman should not get to go in front of her.  She starts yelling in English.  Then she starts yelling in Spanish.  Then it switches back and forth and this guy is like “C’mon she was missing and eyeball.”  And the girl turns to me and says “Do you think this is fair?” Now I have a fever and the most earth shattering chest cough I’ve ever had, but I had to croak out “She was bleeding FROM HER EYE SOCKET.”  Then the girl sat down and started making phone calls to her people to let them know she was displeased that blindy got to go first.

So I go to the bathroom and the nurse says “What are you doing?”  I didn’t hear her because I am so congested, but apparently I look like someone going to shoot drugs in the bathroom.  She says “You better just be using the toliet.”  Really?  So they finally take me back to the room and they start asking me questions.  I’m trying to tell them what is wrong with me but all I can do is cough this horrible deep cough.  You would think that is enough of an explanation.

The nurse then shows me this chart from the wall to show me that my weight is in the overweight range.  They did not weigh me.  They just asked me how much I weighed.  Okay get ready…I’m 5’7 and I weigh 133 lbs.  They said “You fall here.”  Here is the yellow danger zone on the chart. I should weigh 100lbs (let me just remove my bones) Seriously?  I stare at the chart after she leaves and it says that if I were 7ft tall I would be morbidly obese at 180lbs.

So the doctor comes in and I try to explain that I have a cough and some terrible lower back pain that has been turning me slowly into the the evil witch who cooks children in an oven.  And he says well you need to have surgery I can see you have a bulging disc.  I really might have that, the pain is pretty bad most of the time.  And I only started paying attention to it once I was sleeping again.  But he didn’t even Xray me, before he started making excited plans to slice open my back.  He then says oh but you should have surgery after we bring down this 101 fever.

I’m sure I am being extra sensitive because I do feel like death, but I want a second opinion!  I’m onto you PrimaCare…

This last week I found myself lending an ear to several strangers who were having their worst day.  I consider that to be the day when you 1) haven’t slept in awhile, 2) your sense of humor starts offending people, 3) you haven’t bathed or brushed your teeth, 4) and you start telling everyone you meet the innermost turmoil going on in your life.  Of course when you are having a crisis you justify vomiting up your problems because they just came up.  How does this conversation go?

Stranger:  Hope my phone call wasn’t too loud, I was just calling to wish my mother a happy birthday.

You:  My mother has a birthday, but I don’t know if I’ll want to celebrate this year because my ex boyfriend took my cat and I’m getting evicted and the only good thing in my life right now is this Snickers Bar, (insert crying, and one sniffle) so no you didn’t bother me one bit.

Recently I have been in random places this week and for once, I’m not the one forcing strange people to listen to me.  I was in the bathroom at school earlier and this girl said “Sorry I used the last paper towels.”  I told her that was okay and was about to walk out when she said “I’m always doing that.  I ruin everything.  Everyone hates me and they should because I’m a bad person.”  I was tempted to sneak away, but I got suckered in.  I assured her that using the last of the paper towels didn’t make her a bad person.  She said “True, but you don’t know what I’ve done.”  I thought oh please do not confess that you murdered someone…I know that’s coming…

Apparently, she withdrew all the money from her parent’s bank account and hasn’t been answering their calls.  I was like well, yeah that’s pretty terrible, but all I could say is well at least you didn’t take all their paper towels?  Then she just started sobbing and wailing.  It was the ugly cry, where the make up runs down your face.  Then after using me like a sounding board she said I have to go call them.  And that was that.

In class, I had a student tell me that he was sorry he was late and I said that’s okay you can sit down.  And he sat but he told me about how he finally believes in himself after he had to drop out of school the first time because his mother was dying.  All of his friends stopped talking to him when they found out he was going to community college (good friends) and then he realized that he was doing the wrong thing with his life anyway and he…

I won’t know the rest of this story because my eastern European student came in and said “My mother isn’t dying but I’m late because I was trying to steal a car but it didn’t work. So I thought I’d come learn about class.  I like hearing about the angry people.  You make them sound cool, like my grandpa.”  Um okay.   I don’t know if the car didn’t work or the cops foiled his plans but that hushed everyone up.  I’m also glad that learning about angry grandpas (or listening to stories about angry people told by grandpas?)  in my class ranks second on the to-do list after commit car theft.

Then today, someone stopped me and asked me how to get to the library and I pointed out the building and she just burst into tears and said “No one ever helps me, especially my dad.”  I think the world needs a hug.  And some brain pills.

I’m not sure why this is happening.  But if you are a stranger and you’ve got something to share, apparently, I’m open for listening to your ephinaniys and weirdest disasters.

The Pretender

I’m beginning to write a statement of purpose for PhD programs.  The first time I did this I crafted a pretty fine plea and wedged my foot in the door of a great program.  The second time I am pretty sure I typed something up in 20 minutes after consuming 3 red bulls that said something like “If I work at Hilton one more day I will die because it is stealing my soul.  I quit my job via text message and left about 7 half eaten bags of granola at my desk that someone now has to clean out.  I can’t go back there, so you should take me in here.”  And yes, it was really that dramatic because I am not good at pressing the censor button on my feelings.  Both times, grad schools decided I could come.  With Wisconsin, the foot in the door was about as far as I got.  It was intriguing, but too terrifying and foreign.  I quickly realized what strengths I needed to have to exist in grad school and so I went to tap into them and there wasn’t a whole lot there.  It was a little tricky to draw strength from experiences I didn’t have.  People kept saying “Hang in there!  You can do it!”  Do what now? Merry’s Mantra becomes:   Ahem… I am going to grad school to keep going to school because I like learning new things…to get a better degree…well okay maybe just another degree…and if I just stick it out I will….um…I will use it to….do history related things for money….hmm okay there is no money…I will use it to…

My actual paper degree is still in the trunk of my car.  I just realized that I should probably go get it…

I didn’t know and unfortunately, that isn’t the kind of thing anyone can help with.  What are your plans 23 year old girl?  Um, well, I know I have causes.  Hold on let me look at the napkin I wrote them on…whoops that is also in the trunk of my car.  Well just think ahead, what do you see in your future?  You can only blankly look at someone who asks this cruel question before you just start lying to them and in turn, to yourself.  At first, I talked about these pretend plans to make people stop asking me questions.  But the more I said it, the more I believed it.  Sure, rational Merry was in there reminding me that in the real world, I did not know what I wanted to do but I built it up and convinced myself that it was happening.  (Again, not sure what exactly was happening, but I knew it would happen).  I’m not sure if “it” has happened but grad school did teach me I have to make the world work for me or else I’m going to be its bitch.

Seriously, why do I like history at all?  More importantly, why does my brain like history enough to pay attention long enough to get a degree in it.  Why do I want to read history books more than any other books?  I’m starting to think it’s because I want to understand other people so I understand my own relationship to them and the world.  I probably think too much (not in a productive, building rockets way more of a I’ve spent 20 minutes convincing myself of something ridiculous that ends with everything randomly bursting into flames) and from grading student maps (New Hampsters…hehe) I know that most people don’t think at all.

But I think I’ve always wanted answers even as a little kid.  I remember asking questions and feeling unsettled when adults gave me answers that made absolutely no sense.  (Um, okay I will believe you that God is watching me while I watch rated R movies, but I don’t think he cares.  You people are giving me a lot of credit here to put me so far up on his agenda).  After awhile I realized I couldn’t expect people around me to solve the case of what do I mean in this world.  If I search for meaning surely I’ll find it and then I will have peace.  While I have a good life, deep down I’m not relaxed because I know I’m not done looking yet.

So somehow I need to put that into 600 words or less.  But I probably should sound more intelligent…and be more of a minority…(I did put I identify as “other” on my GRE info sheet).  And I will want to talk more about what I can accomplish and less about New Hampsters.

01 Nikola Tesla

Yesterday I had a migraine that I am pretty sure was a combination of working hard and living in Dante’s Inferno.  Seriously, I might as well go live in the inside of a volcano.   I have a student that is also hoping it will rain polar bears, but he is more concerned with his false eyelashes melting off.  It makes me appreciate not being a drag queen because it is hard enough for me to dress myself as it is.  This guy is steadily becoming my favorite person in the class.  Besides the stream of weird compliments he threw at me (ahem, if I was an Italian Filipino  I would look just like his smoking hot cousin?) he is more than willing to help teach the dual credit students about cooperative learning.  However, I do not think the dual credit students were told to expect 30 year old drag queens in their history course.  So who did I feel should be his partner the first day?  Why the overly shy and conservative 15 year old Muslim girl of course!  And start entertaining me….now…GO!  Turns out that state mandated lesson about diversity will be even easier than I thought.

I’ve taught both age groups of people, but mixed together is creating a very weird dynamic.  The drag queen is friends with this lady who brings her husband to class (I’m not sure what that is about yet) and who told us she was on America’s Got Talent for Karaoke.  I’m intrigued.  She told me “I’m on TV, but I don’t dare watch it.”  The only logical explanation for this is that if she watches TV she will turn to stone.  I’ll have to remember that when I show Youtube clips.  Her partner crept away from his original partner and I have no idea why?  Sure, partner 1 is an ex-military man from rural Arkansas who is missing an eye and has an arm full of tribal tattoos, who said you can’t trust cops, but I’m not sure what about that is intimidating?  He informed me he does watch TV, but nothing “too homo.”

I though it was best that I didn’t ask what exactly is too homo?  I’m sure probably all the shows I watch fall into that category somehow.  I’m just thankful I have TV.  I think it really does prevent me from becoming too much of a weirdo.  I remember the first night I got cable my TV got struck by lightning.  It was like someone had given me 500 ice cream cones and scoop had fallen off every single one of them.  Talking to Time Warner was even more disheartening.  ”Check the (insert name of TV cables here).  Is that working?”  Well, my TV was made in the early 90s and I am pretty sure it doesn’t have those cables. “Does your DVD player work?”  Again, this TV is too old for a DVD player.  ”Does your TV make you feel better about your dead grandma too?”  Um say what?  Until that night, I had no idea that elderly ghosts could, in fact, posses TVs (I’m assuming other appliances like blenders and can openers also channel the dead).

TV if you are listening, you should give me a reality show.  I know I’m weird enough and just as entertaining as a Karsdashian.  Think about it.  I’ll have my dead grandma call your dead grandma.

03 I Can’t Decide

I miss writing, and if I could find a way to write while speeding down the toll road, I think I would put way more down.  The only reason I really am writing now is because I’m hiding from the online nurses.  It really is disturbing that the last week of class they are asking me in large numbers how to take an online quiz (seriously, it’s been 8 weeks).  Maybe tapeworms laid eggs in their brains.

So in the spirit of random Faulkner and compulsive schedulers here is “A Day with Merry.”  I feel that this style is the most appropriate to get into my mind. (Be careful in there).

4AM push kitties off the bed and stumble towards the bathroom.  I avoid stepping on the kitties.  Insert Merry pills–drink water.–find glasses.  Where did I put them.  I look for my glasses about 15 minutes before finding them behind the toilet/in the fridge/in the couch/in my shoe?  Whip up some poptarts and drool while the TV tells me about toddlers in beauty pageants, New Jersey, violent killers, addicts–sometimes on a good day I get all of these things at once.

4:30AM–Dress myself and try to tie my shoe as Lion Kitty (known to some of you as Little Kitty) unties it for me.  Stumble down the stairs.  Try to drive to work without closing my eyes.  Down a 5-hour energy in the parking lot. Talk to Kiana at the front desk and get ready to be personable.  All the while thinking, do I really want to work out ever again?  Everyday I do, but one of these days I will rebel and run around the gym yelling and waving my arms around toddler style.

5:00AM–Client doesn’t show up…I viciously click the mouse and give them a big X, which assures me that I will be paid despite their crimes, although it may get me fired in the end.  How dare I not live inside other people’s bodies and drag them to the gym.

5:30AM–Usually someone shows up here and we work out.  Minimal talking is done during this session.

6:00AM-9:00AM–Clients come, sweat, and leave.  As it gets later and later, they get chattier and I play comedian/therapist.  Thermedian?  Do you want to leave your wife and have me measure your thighs?  Well that’s better than reading your poop chart and feeling your hernia.  Have you started a diet in the last month that includes/injections/parasites/cutting yourself/one food group/oxygen, tums and water?  Okay don’t do that.  Or that.  Really please don’t do that!  Please don’t lose control of your bowels while you talk to me.  I enjoy talking about it later, but it makes me worried about the future of the planet.

10:00AM–11:30AM–Drive an hour to North Dallas and hope that there is no traffic that causes me to be on the news.  I’m pretty sure road rage was invented in DFW.  I look out the window to read that I really should not be driving in the car because of the pollution or the drought.  During this process is one of the few times I have time to write back the gazillion nurses who can’t dress themselves without my permission.

11:50-1:50 I look forward to this time when I get to teach my face to face class.  I love you students.

2:00-3:00–Commute back while calling peeps back or again checking my email.

3:00-4:00–Feed the Merry monster.  Here I try to make good choices but I would eat the couch if it meant I did have to move at all.  Then it’s time for Job 1 phase 2

4:30-7:30–Time to visit with the crazy version of 6:00-9:00AM peeps.  Do you really like Socrates?  You probably should randomly tell me while you are doing leg extensions.  Do you think I can’t work you out hard because I’m a girl?  You should tell me that and continue to say that as you have to puke in the trash can.  Did a your mentally handcapped son accidently lock a midget magazine salesman in a kitchen cabinet because he thought the midget was a troll?  Please.  more stories like this.

7:30–Make contact with human life and try to figure out why the nurses are having a panic attack.

9:00–Merry you should be sleeping

10:00–Really Merry go to sleep

12:00–Aw nuts.  I grab the kitties, tuck them under the covers and lay there thinking about doing all this again.

I’ll be back blog.  I’m going to take someone’s helpful suggestion and hire a hobo to do my grading for $8 and a cookie.  But I have to find a cookie….

femme fatale

I’ve done plenty of stupid things.  I’ve fallen up the stairs, down the stairs, into the stairs, around the stairs (I should just stay away from stairs) and then nervously giggled or denied that yes, that was blood running down my leg.  At the gym I hit my crotch on the pointy corner of the desk on a regular basis.  In fact, right after that the other morning I walked into a machine while I was talking to a client.  I think I need a suit made of bubble wrap because I am hazard.

I also lose everything.  I like to pack my car to go on a trip and then throw my keys in the trunk and close it.  Every. time.  This is assuming I can find my keys.  I wish they would call out after me “Merry!  Don’t leave us!”  My keys are currently missing somewhere in my apartment.  I know they have to be here because the door didn’t just open magically, unless I left it unlocked….I really have checked everywhere.  So I’m down to all my spare keys and had to beg my apartment office to please not charge me for a new mail key.

I’ve also had clothing disasters.  My belt unzipped my favorite pair of jeans in 9th grade, but, I had grown 5 inches in a year, so while that was inconvenient, it wasn’t exactly a disaster.  Once I walked around my high school for an entire day with one layer of my skirt hitched up so that the world could see my underpants.  Why no one told me I have no idea.  But amazingly, no one openly mocked me like they do in movies.

I’d like to think skirt malfunctions were just a teenage problem, but at UTA, I wore this stiff plaid Dickies skirt that the wind blew up and it stayed vertical.  This girl was like !!!  I had an arm full of library books so I had to think for a minute, do I throw the books in that dirt puddle or do I just keep walking?  Unfortunately, I continued to walk while I thought about it this choice.

And a year ago at a conference I almost presented a paper with my dress tucked into my panty hose.  Thank you girl who told me before I showed a bunch of historians my naked bottom.

However, this morning at the gym I realized that there is something embarrassing that I have never done before.  At about 5:30am, I stumbled over to the water fountain to fill up my water bottle and as I looked up and saw SOMEONE’S THONG WAS ON THE TOP OF THE WATER FOUNTAIN.  Now how does this happen?  The most logical thing I could think of was someone rummaging in a gym bag for their water bottle and pulling stuff out and accidently leaving panties.  Sadly, that is the most reasonable thing I can think of.  Listening to stories about someone using the shower as their bathroom and weights just appearing in the men’s bathroom surprised me, but this is more mysterious.  Where are you thong dropper?  Are you the man in the ice dancing pants with fur cuffs?  Was it you onion smell guy?  Or was it the girl with the vajazzled crotch?  And in case you missed vajazzeling….

Vajazzeling