Doggie Marathons

Thou Shalt Always Kill

Dogs are awesome.  They can fetch, sit, stay, roll over, lick you, and wag their head and tail at the same time. If you drop food, a dog will prance over and eat it saving you the trouble of picking it up.  They can also be blamed for any unpleasant smells.  They get excited if you even say WALK, and sometimes learn that word even when you spell it out W-A-L-K.  And they like to run and play, chasing all furry creatures that move.  But do they like to run more than 10 miles?  Runner’s World magazine thinks they do.  (Please don’t sue me Runner’s World, but this article is ridiculous.)   They have a chart of what dogs are good for different kinds of runs.  If you are running more than 10 miles, invest in a Weimaraner, Goldendoodle, German Short haired pointer, Vizslas, or Jack Russell terriers.  The only one of those I’ve ever heard of is the Jack Russell terrier.  Poor dogs.  Little do they know that the nice lady adopting them is going to work them like a mule and give them water bottles with beef bullion cubes so they don’t pass out.  I know Lassie saved the children, and sled dogs work pretty hard, but those dogs are actually doing a job, and are not simply running in circles because you think your butt is too big.

These poor pups have no idea that their owners plan to dress them up in ridiculous gear to make sure they can keep up.  Hot pavement, snow, sand and urban debris can hurt your dog’s feet.  What is a marathon runner to do?  Why buy Granite Gear Dog Clogs of course!  In addition to there bizarre super fancy doggie boots, you can buy them a pack to carry YOUR water.  Now I’ll admit the dog in this picture looks happy, but I think that’s because if he doesn’t pretend to like the dog clogs, he won’t get any more Power Bones, which have the correct balance of carbohydrates and protein for the pup on the go.  I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.  I realize that some people want a workout partner, but do you have to force your dog to go the distance?  Sure, dogs like to run, but this is really over the line.  Do dogs have to do strength training now?  Are we going to lay them on there back in the leg press and make them do sets of 20?  At least while they are dragged to Dog Yoga they find inner peace and lay down.

I don’t know why I’m surprised that marathon runners force their dogs to get fit.  They submit question to the magazine such as:

Q:  Why do the nipples of some male runners bleed during a marathon, but those of females don’t?

A:  Men sweat more than women (I don’t believe that) and the a shirt rubbing a man’s nipples causing chaffing.

My answer:  If you start to bleed from your nipples it is a sign from above that you should not run 25 miles a day.

Q:  Why do my toenails go black?

A:  A too short shoe, a toenail that comes into contact with the roof of the shoe too often, and a runner who uses his toes to grip too hard

My answer:  The devil is living in them.  Pray more and see if it goes away

And my favorite question of all:

Q:  At the end of a long run or race, why do I question the meaning of life?

A:  Some people halucinate and see the Virgin Mary.  It’s normal, your glucose levels are depleted

My Answer:  Because you realized that you wasted the majority of your life running.  You spend so much time running you have been fired from your job, and you haven’t seen a new movie since Prancer.  People have that same euphoric feeling when their brain is being eaten by syphilis.

Runners, let’s not run until we are bleeding and hallucinating.  Seriously, 3-5 miles is more than enough to keep you fit!  The only reason you should run more than 10 miles is if you have just escaped from the trunk of a car and are being chased by a man with a hook.  And please stop humiliating your dog.  IT DOES NOT NEED SHOES.  All the other dogs at the park will mock your pup.  Take a tip from Georgie…and take it easy.