Chasing Kitty

21-Tulane

Kitty is a cat of many talents.  If he filled out a resume, it might be more impressive than mine.  He warms my head in the morning by laying on the top of my pillow, and I am certain it is not because I kick him in the night.  He just wants to make sure my brain stays at the right temperature.  He has excellent communication skills.  He says yes, no, mom, and meh and really, that is all you need to know.  He is also patient and will wait up to 45 minutes to get a glass of water on the bathroom counter.  Besides being a photogenic supermodel, Kitty also predicts the weather.  The day before it rains he spazzes out and refuses to sleep in my bed.  The next day it ALWAYS rains.  He also sings along when I play the key board.  He really likes La Vie En Rose, which further proves my assumption that inside of Kitty is a cursed gay french man.  One I will wake up and he will be human, and that will be a weird day….

Today Kitty decided that he wanted to add world class explorer to his list of special skills.  I went to the store and bought another plant, since my first plant is still alive.  I see that as a sign that I should continue to grow things.  As I opened the door, Kitty runs out at a lightning speed.  Sometimes he does that, but very very rarely, and he never goes that fast.  Usually he just rolls around in front of my door taunting me like “Haha mom, who is outside now?  I’m gonna roll around in dirty stuff!”  However, today Kitty ran out the door and down the stairs faster than I have ever seen him go.  I set down the new plant and took off after him, because my apartment faces the parking lot.  Thankfully, Kitty is not suicidal and did not run towards the lot.  He chose to run behind my building in these hedges, making weird noises that were a mix between the bird noise and some kind of gay french cat wild growl.  I’m a little disturbed that I can’t catch him and I’m sweating because it is 105 here today, but Kitty keeps on running.

He stopped for a minute in these hedges and I thought “Yes!  I’ve got him.”  But I couldn’t quite reach him and he was not paying attention to me because he was sniffing everything.  Then I hear “Lost ya Kitty?  Meow meow, heh heh.”  I look up and there is a red-headed, bearded, smoking, shirtless, creepy man.  He was wearing rebel flag boxers, and let’s just say there were parts of his anatomy that were exposed, that I would have preferred not to see.  He continued to shout meow meow, after me in a weird voice as I ran away back towards my insane cat.

I then run into a bodybuilder with a chihuahua.  He has the giant, crazy upper body and tinny little spandex shorts on.  He is also shirtless, but thank god not in rebel flag boxers.  He says to me in I swear a Micheal Jackson voice, “Did you lose your Kitty?”  I told him I did and he said, “I lost Diamonds (the chihuahua) and I just fell all to pieces.  It was like a little piece of me died.”  Then he described how he had had several dogs die, and the pain of each one.  I can see Kitty at this point and he is looking at the weird emotional muscle man and then at me, like he was watching TV.  The muscle man says he’ll get on one side of the bushes and I can reach in and get Kitty.  It’s like Kitty heard him, because he ran away AGAIN.

At this point, I am in the back of my apartments where I never go.  There is a girl sitting on her patio drinking beer in a goth outfit with a dog collar on, and this obese man kissing her.  It was so strange 1) because she was skinny, and young, 2) he was overweight and old, 3) They were drinking beer at 10AM.  She yells down at me after a few minutes “If you are gonna get a tattoo, get a real one.”  She lifts up her shirt and she has a giant flaming Jesus, sitting on a toliet, tattoo on her chest and down towards her belly.  I stood there speechless.  It might have been the largest bad tattoo I have ever seen.  Seeming satisfied, she said, “Who’s badass now?”  I didn’t know we were having a contest, but I decided to let her be the winner.

Finally, I find kitty.  He has run to the back of the fence and I am exasperated.  I scoop him up and I give him a lecture.  Then I see two baby birds and a dead big bird, which i can only assume was the mom bird.  I looked at Kitty, who I am craddling in my arms like a baby, and asked “Did you run all the way back here to rescue two baby birds.”  He said, “Myes”  Swear to God.  How he knew they were there I don’t know.  I didn’t want to touch them or have kitty touch them, so I took him back inside and put the little birds in a box in the shade.  I don’t think that will really save them, but I didn’t really know what else to do with them.

So thank you Kitty for taking me on an adventure this morning.  It’s nice to know you are a bird’s rights advocate and faithful rescue cat.