Blink once for yes, twice for crab eyes

Break The Spell

Apparently you can get crabs in your eyes.  I naively assumed when I heard this today that it was actual crabs and I was envisioning someone innocently standing around and then BAM!  A giant crab leaps down from a nearby roof, pulls out his or her eyeball, and runs off cackling an evil crab laugh.  The real story is so much grosser.

I really love my job at the gym.  I like the men that wear spandex pants that give them a girl butt.  I like the veiny, muscle guys that make noise like lifting weights is ripping out their intestines.  I almost expect them to yell out FREEDDDOOOMMM.  At least they don’t wear a kilts, although that would make it more interesting.  I like that every night I can expect the same weird, foreign man in the sunglasses to walk past me smelling like he slept in a vat of onion rings.  And who doesn’t want some creepy dude to ask about measuring his upper thighs.  I’m waiting for the day when he asks me for penis exercises.  I know it’s coming.

But you know what I didn’t expect?  To see a woman chasing a giant lizard down the shoulder of I35.  A horrific wreck had traffic completely stopped and just when I was about to start punching myself, this lady rolls down her window to flick a cigarette and out jumps a lizard.  A giant lizard.  It creepily runs off and she gets out in a budweiser “dress” and chases after it barefoot. Sadly this is not the first time I have seen someone in a budweiser dress, but it is the first time I saw that owner of such a classy outfit chasing a lizard.  She caught it and then put it back in her car.   If only she dressed it in a matching outfit.  A girl can dream.

So how do I pursue a full time teaching job, when I work someplace where 1) I might actually meet other humans  and 2) I make my own hours.  So far I only manage to meet married men and/or men concerned with their bowel movements.  But I know amidst the onion ring smelling, tight pants wearing crowd there has to be some dude that isn’t a serial killer or a cult member or married….I realize married should probably go in a different category but if they have one wife it really doesn’t matter if they have more or if they killed one.  All deal breakers.  Well…

After finding this strange half trench coat at my parents house, I realize that I do have strange tastes.  I used to find it perfectly acceptable to wear orange vinyl pants and I still would if my booty hadn’t ripped through them like the hulk (It really did split those little size 1′s).  But after being around academics so much, I realize I missed out on the crab catching, rave vomiting, no underpants wearing crowd.  They are pretty cool.  I try to share stories back like pssh yeah I totally thew up on myself while contracting STD’s (pardon me STI’s) but I can honestly say, of all the weird/crazy/bizarre things I have done, I have nothing to compare to that.

But I did see a barefoot redneck woman chase an iguana.  That’s got to count for something.