I’m beginning to write a statement of purpose for PhD programs. The first time I did this I crafted a pretty fine plea and wedged my foot in the door of a great program. The second time I am pretty sure I typed something up in 20 minutes after consuming 3 red bulls that said something like “If I work at Hilton one more day I will die because it is stealing my soul. I quit my job via text message and left about 7 half eaten bags of granola at my desk that someone now has to clean out. I can’t go back there, so you should take me in here.” And yes, it was really that dramatic because I am not good at pressing the censor button on my feelings. Both times, grad schools decided I could come. With Wisconsin, the foot in the door was about as far as I got. It was intriguing, but too terrifying and foreign. I quickly realized what strengths I needed to have to exist in grad school and so I went to tap into them and there wasn’t a whole lot there. It was a little tricky to draw strength from experiences I didn’t have. People kept saying “Hang in there! You can do it!” Do what now? Merry’s Mantra becomes: Ahem… I am going to grad school to keep going to school because I like learning new things…to get a better degree…well okay maybe just another degree…and if I just stick it out I will….um…I will use it to….do history related things for money….hmm okay there is no money…I will use it to…
My actual paper degree is still in the trunk of my car. I just realized that I should probably go get it…
I didn’t know and unfortunately, that isn’t the kind of thing anyone can help with. What are your plans 23 year old girl? Um, well, I know I have causes. Hold on let me look at the napkin I wrote them on…whoops that is also in the trunk of my car. Well just think ahead, what do you see in your future? You can only blankly look at someone who asks this cruel question before you just start lying to them and in turn, to yourself. At first, I talked about these pretend plans to make people stop asking me questions. But the more I said it, the more I believed it. Sure, rational Merry was in there reminding me that in the real world, I did not know what I wanted to do but I built it up and convinced myself that it was happening. (Again, not sure what exactly was happening, but I knew it would happen). I’m not sure if “it” has happened but grad school did teach me I have to make the world work for me or else I’m going to be its bitch.
Seriously, why do I like history at all? More importantly, why does my brain like history enough to pay attention long enough to get a degree in it. Why do I want to read history books more than any other books? I’m starting to think it’s because I want to understand other people so I understand my own relationship to them and the world. I probably think too much (not in a productive, building rockets way more of a I’ve spent 20 minutes convincing myself of something ridiculous that ends with everything randomly bursting into flames) and from grading student maps (New Hampsters…hehe) I know that most people don’t think at all.
But I think I’ve always wanted answers even as a little kid. I remember asking questions and feeling unsettled when adults gave me answers that made absolutely no sense. (Um, okay I will believe you that God is watching me while I watch rated R movies, but I don’t think he cares. You people are giving me a lot of credit here to put me so far up on his agenda). After awhile I realized I couldn’t expect people around me to solve the case of what do I mean in this world. If I search for meaning surely I’ll find it and then I will have peace. While I have a good life, deep down I’m not relaxed because I know I’m not done looking yet.
So somehow I need to put that into 600 words or less. But I probably should sound more intelligent…and be more of a minority…(I did put I identify as “other” on my GRE info sheet). And I will want to talk more about what I can accomplish and less about New Hampsters.