A Day With Merry

03 I Can’t Decide

I miss writing, and if I could find a way to write while speeding down the toll road, I think I would put way more down.  The only reason I really am writing now is because I’m hiding from the online nurses.  It really is disturbing that the last week of class they are asking me in large numbers how to take an online quiz (seriously, it’s been 8 weeks).  Maybe tapeworms laid eggs in their brains.

So in the spirit of random Faulkner and compulsive schedulers here is “A Day with Merry.”  I feel that this style is the most appropriate to get into my mind. (Be careful in there).

4AM push kitties off the bed and stumble towards the bathroom.  I avoid stepping on the kitties.  Insert Merry pills–drink water.–find glasses.  Where did I put them.  I look for my glasses about 15 minutes before finding them behind the toilet/in the fridge/in the couch/in my shoe?  Whip up some poptarts and drool while the TV tells me about toddlers in beauty pageants, New Jersey, violent killers, addicts–sometimes on a good day I get all of these things at once.

4:30AM–Dress myself and try to tie my shoe as Lion Kitty (known to some of you as Little Kitty) unties it for me.  Stumble down the stairs.  Try to drive to work without closing my eyes.  Down a 5-hour energy in the parking lot. Talk to Kiana at the front desk and get ready to be personable.  All the while thinking, do I really want to work out ever again?  Everyday I do, but one of these days I will rebel and run around the gym yelling and waving my arms around toddler style.

5:00AM–Client doesn’t show up…I viciously click the mouse and give them a big X, which assures me that I will be paid despite their crimes, although it may get me fired in the end.  How dare I not live inside other people’s bodies and drag them to the gym.

5:30AM–Usually someone shows up here and we work out.  Minimal talking is done during this session.

6:00AM-9:00AM–Clients come, sweat, and leave.  As it gets later and later, they get chattier and I play comedian/therapist.  Thermedian?  Do you want to leave your wife and have me measure your thighs?  Well that’s better than reading your poop chart and feeling your hernia.  Have you started a diet in the last month that includes/injections/parasites/cutting yourself/one food group/oxygen, tums and water?  Okay don’t do that.  Or that.  Really please don’t do that!  Please don’t lose control of your bowels while you talk to me.  I enjoy talking about it later, but it makes me worried about the future of the planet.

10:00AM–11:30AM–Drive an hour to North Dallas and hope that there is no traffic that causes me to be on the news.  I’m pretty sure road rage was invented in DFW.  I look out the window to read that I really should not be driving in the car because of the pollution or the drought.  During this process is one of the few times I have time to write back the gazillion nurses who can’t dress themselves without my permission.

11:50-1:50 I look forward to this time when I get to teach my face to face class.  I love you students.

2:00-3:00–Commute back while calling peeps back or again checking my email.

3:00-4:00–Feed the Merry monster.  Here I try to make good choices but I would eat the couch if it meant I did have to move at all.  Then it’s time for Job 1 phase 2

4:30-7:30–Time to visit with the crazy version of 6:00-9:00AM peeps.  Do you really like Socrates?  You probably should randomly tell me while you are doing leg extensions.  Do you think I can’t work you out hard because I’m a girl?  You should tell me that and continue to say that as you have to puke in the trash can.  Did a your mentally handcapped son accidently lock a midget magazine salesman in a kitchen cabinet because he thought the midget was a troll?  Please.  more stories like this.

7:30–Make contact with human life and try to figure out why the nurses are having a panic attack.

9:00–Merry you should be sleeping

10:00–Really Merry go to sleep

12:00–Aw nuts.  I grab the kitties, tuck them under the covers and lay there thinking about doing all this again.

I’ll be back blog.  I’m going to take someone’s helpful suggestion and hire a hobo to do my grading for $8 and a cookie.  But I have to find a cookie….